google me

I opened the door to my apartment to find Teddy, Jacob, Ryan, and Brian huddled around a computer. I tried to discretely dash to my room to avoid Brian, due to the dreadfully awkward kiss a few weeks ago. He's called me a twice, but I have either rejected the call or told him I was going to call him back. Now, there was no way I could not talk to him, due to the fact he was hanging out with my house mates, Teddy and Jacob. "Google me!" I heard Ryan laugh as Teddy typed in his name. 

In a matter of milliseconds, anything associated with Ryan's name popped up on the screen. "You were a national merit scholar? What the fuck did you get on your SATs?" Brian exclaimed. 

"Like a 2200 or something. This college offered me basically a full ride," Ryan grinned as he took a hit of the bong, "I'm just a good test taker, you know."

Ryan passed the bong to Jacob and he took a hit. "For me, I just know how to manage my time." Jacob smiled as he exhaled the smoke from his mouth.

"Is Elizabeth still mad at me?" Teddy asked as he slowly turned towards me, "I know they used to be friends, but Vanessa has changed, come on, you must have noticed." 

"Just go talk to her," I answered, "I still don't know how I feel about Vanessa."

"Alright, we're going to google you next!" Ryan interrupted as Teddy typed in my name on the laptop. 

My eyes widened, I couldn't have them know my secret! Before I could pull a mission impossible and dive in front of the laptop to block Teddy's finger's from hitting the keys, Google had done its work. "What the..." Jacob's voice trailed off. 

"I can explain!" I yelled, snatching the laptop before they did any investigating on their own. "I was- I was- I was in a children's pop group, Auntie Poo & the Porta-Potties, and we made a pop potty training CD. Our hit CD, which won us a kid's choice award, was "Potty Animal". I knew you guys would find out sooner or later..."

The guys looked at me blankly and in a matter of seconds each of them burst out in laughter. "You mean, you sung about shit?" Ryan giggled. 

"Hold up," Teddy grinned, trying to hold back his tears of laughter, "Your hit single was 'Flush the Magic Dragon'?" 

"Well, we were very established," I tried to reassure them, "I was in a kid's choir. Give me a fucking break."

They continued to laugh and explore the old website. I've decided to come clean about this chapter in my life. You too can go to the site. Please, don't judge me. I was five at the time and I had no idea that this little incident would haunt me for the rest of my life. It's almost like having a one hit wonder, except for the fact no one recognizes me. 

In the fit of their giggles, I thought I had escaped to my room, however, Brian was close behind me. "Oh, hello," I uneasily muttered, "Have fun looking at the site?"

Brian replied, "Of course I did. After a hit like 'Everything's Gonna Come Out Just Fine', how could I not? Listen, are you free this weekend to grab lunch?"

I scanned my brain for something to do this weekend. I didn't want to hangout with Brian, I have no interest in him whatsoever. How did he not understand the fact that I was deliberately avoiding him at all costs? Is he really that much of an idiot? 

"I'm free," I said, without hesitation. 

Brian leaned in for a hangout conformation kiss, but I dodged his lips by replacing it with a lifeless hug. Jesus, I am such a bitch.

the girl's night from hell

Today I had my film section and I knew it was going to end with me falling asleep. I began to doodle in my notebook as my teacher lectured to the group about the cinematography in Hitchcock's Notorious. Suddenly, I was pulled out of my day dream by a knock at the door. A boy walked in and placed his skateboard against the wall. He childishly grinned at the teacher and sat down. I could feel my pants literally slipping off as he pulled off his glasses and cleaned them with his flannel shirt sleeve. I wanted to say something, literally anything, just so he could glance at me for a few seconds. My knees became weak as he tapped my elbow and asked me for a pen. 

I tore through my backpack, searching for something for him to write with. I pulled out a pen and handed it to him, hoping the his fingers would graze mine for just a few seconds. The physical attraction was overwhelming, but he didn't even bother to look in my direction. 

After class, he said a quick "thanks" and grabbed his skateboard against the wall. We both walked out of the building at the same time and I knew it was my chance.  I  glanced at him quickly just so I could find an interest of his that was similar to mine. I smiled at him and asked, "How long have you been skating?" I am officially such an idiot.

"Oh, about six years," He replied, opening up the other door for me, "Do you skate?" 

"No, I don't,"  I answered, "But my younger brother does. I'm trying to get him a birthday present. Any suggestions?" I can't believe I'm lying to this guy to get his attention. Well, whatever works, right?

"Oh, you need to get him a rasa libre, those boards are so nice. I'm hoping to get a new one, since this board is a little too scratched up," he said.

"Yeah, I snowboard, but skateboarding is a little too intense for me. I still have nightmares about my friend's who skateboard back home jumping over me. I was always tricked because they claimed they would buy me lunch..." I laughed, "Sorry, I didn't catch your name..."

"Oh," he smiled, "I'm Dylan, Dylan Carson."

"Well, I guess I'll be seeing you then. Hopefully I can afford a rasa libre," I grinned.

"You really should consider it," Dylan placed his board on the ground, "You'd be the best sister ever." 

Before I could glance at him one more time, he had skated across the street towards the opposite bus stop. A silly smile was glued to my face and I couldn't help but listen to sappy acoustic love songs on my ipod. 

When I got back, I finally remembered that today, there was nothing to smile about because today was girl's night with Vanessa.

 

As soon as I opened the door, I saw Paige out of the corner of my eye. "This is going to be a disaster," Paige huffed as she exhaled her cigarette, "Does Vanessa really need to come? I mean, seriously, we're not friends with her."

"Just relax," Elizabeth tried to reassure us, "Sure, she's a little brat, but let's let her hang with the big girls for once. I mean, she can't be pure evil still, right? She is dating Teddy, again."

Elizabeth and Vanessa were best friends, but they went their separate ways when Vanessa started dating Teddy. Suddenly, Elizabeth saw how her dating advice and actions with boys played out in Vanessa's relationship with Teddy. Towards the end of their relationship, Vanessa was just toying around with Teddy and it scared Elizabeth how she could identify with Vanessa's behavior. "Just be nice," I pleaded, "This is for Teddy, our FRIEND, Teddy."

"Hey girlies," Jacob smiled as he grabbed his coat. "Have fun tonight with Vanessa. If things get too crazy, remember, 9-1-1 is always an option."

"Get out," Paige joked as she put out her cigarette in the ashtray. "Don't worry, the house won't be in flames like the last time."

Charlotte took a shot of Captain Morgan and closed her eyes as the bitter taste went down her throat. "Tonight will be fun," Charlotte announced as she took another shot.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. We looked at one another, deciding who was going to answer it. Elizabeth descretly placed her finger on her nose, initiating an intense nose goes game. I quickly darted my finger on my nose and so did Paige. Charlotte shook her head, finished her shot, and answered the door. "Hello, Vanessa," Charlotte said, gripping the doorknob, "How was your day?"

Vanessa began to play with her straightened hair and weakly grinned, "It were fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. I brought the first season of Sex and the City if anyone wants to watch." 

"That's great!" I replied as I took the dvds and placed them in the dvd player. "I'll makes some margaritas, have a seat."

Vanessa sat down on the couch and pulled down her skirt. "Just because you're skinny, doesn't mean you need to shop at the kid's department," Elizabeth hissed, as she made a drink for herself. 

"Well," Vanessa sighed, slowly turning towards Elizabeth, "I'm not even going to waste my breathe on a bitch like you. I'm trying to start over with you guys, that's why I'm here. Teddy and I are back together and I really like him. Look, we've all made stupid mistakes and I'm sorry for mine. Please, can we just start over?" 

After such a "sincere" speech, I could already tell Vanessa had won over Paige and Charlotte. However, Elizabeth and I were a different story. Just as Elizabeth was about to say another snappy remark, there was a knock at the door. Elizabeth faked a smile and opened the door for Olivia and Camille. "Hey girls," Elizabeth said, giving both of them a hug, "So happy you could make it." 

Within seconds, Olivia pulled out her cell phone, due to the fact she had received a text message from her boyfriend. Olivia and her boyfriend have been dating for over three years and somehow, they are still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship, maybe because of all the sex they're having. 

Camille noticed Olivia whip out her cell phone and Camille rolled her eyes. "Love is such a trivial and superficial thing," She groaned, "Is it even possible to continue to kindle a relationship for years? You started your relationship when you were 16, Olivia. You don't even have a personality when you're 16. All you are made of is tv advertisements, teen pop, and cheap makeup from Wallgreens." 

Camille walked over to the kitchen and started to make herself a rum and coke. As long as I have known Camille, she had always been cynical. Somehow, she sees the rain cloud in every situation.  

Olivia didn't bother responding to Camille's remark and sat down on the couch next to Vanessa. Charlotte selected an episode of Sex and the City to watch and eventually, the all girls settled down. "I need to find a guy just like Mr. Big," Charlotte awed as she watch Sarah Jessica Parker and Mr. Big romantically kiss. 

"Me too, " I replied, "But I think I've found a potential..." 

Before I could finish, Paige had turned off the tv and Elizabeth was running to her room to grab her laptop. In a matter of seconds, I had a laptop on my lap, the girls were huddled around me, and Charlotte was frantically logging into facebook.com. The only reason people actually use facebook, is because it's an easier way to talk shit about people you don't know. 

"Whose the guy?" Olivia questioned, "Is he cute?"

"Of course he's cute," I answered, "Well, I only exchanged a few words with him today, but everything was great." 

"Name, please?" Charlotte asked, getting her typing fingers ready.

"Dylan," I smiled, "Dylan Carson." 

The girls completely blocked my view of Dylan's profile. I couldn't tell what was their final verdict. "He looks like a great guy," Vanessa nodded, "Very artistic, underground, nice pick." 

"He looks so pretentious," Camille decided as she flipped through his photos, "He's so contrived. I mean seriously, he just looks like another annoying art major. I pass." 

"Nah," Charlotte disagreed, "I can see potential."

"Meh," Olivia chirped, "Not my type."

"He's hot," Elizabeth interrupted, "Have you talked to him at all?"

"Well, that's the problem", I sighed, "He makes me nervous. I can't even look him in the eye. Today, I nearly died when he asked me for a pen." 

"That is so romanic," Paige gleamed. 

"You just need to go up to him and start talking," Elizabeth advised, "Whenever you have class, show off them tits, smile a lot, talk about anything cool going on in your life, you know, the works." 

"Just be yourself," Vanessa encouraged, "Don't force yourself to talk to him, he'll think you're needy."

"Are you calling me needy?" Elizabeth asked, turning towards Vanessa.

"Not really," Vanessa replied, "I just think your methods are desperate. I mean, come on, you have dated around..."

"My dating life is none of your business," Elizabeth exclaimed, "At least I haven't been trailing on the same guy for a little attention."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Vanessa objected, "That's the basis of all your relationships. You've been trailing on multiple guys at the same time. No one has the guts to say this to you, but I'll say it, you are a whore."

"Shut up," Elizabeth sneered, "None of us like you Vanessa, I hope you realize this. The only reason you are in this house is because you are dating Teddy, end of story. Our relationship with you will never change. I don't even understand why we used to be friends."

Vanessa's eyes began to fill with tears, "Well, I can't do anything about the past. I know I hurt Teddy and I'm trying to apologize for it. Teddy talks so highly of you guys, I just wanted to get the chance to see what he sees." 

"Fuck off," Elizabeth groaned, "no one wants to hear your what you have to say, we know the whole story."

"Why are you so hostile towards me?" Vanessa asked, "I never did anything mean to you, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Look I really don't want to talk about this right now in front of everyone. I'm leaving." Elizabeth walked into her room and slammed the door. 

Vanessa snatched her purse from the couch and weakly smiled at the girls, "Thanks for inviting me."

Once she left, Charlotte whispered, "What the fuck just happened?" 

All of us shook our heads. "I have no idea," I replied, "I mean they used to be friends, but I guess they ended their friendship for different reasons besides Teddy."

is there no peace in this house?

Really? Do children really do this? When I was three the boys would kick dirt in my eyes because I wanted to be the Yellow Ranger whenever they played with Power Rangers. I can't believe they would have this little boy pose romantically with this little girl. Look at the boy's facial expression, he's growling into her ear. Imagine how uncute this would be if they were fifty. He would be bald, greasy and giving her a six pack of cheap beer instead of flowers. She would have curlers in her hair, living at the local trailer park, and have already popped out seven kids. 

Our culture is so focused and driven on finding true love and being attractive that literally every magazine has at least one article telling me what to do. In small writing at the bottom if the article, it would usually state, "You should ultimately be yourself, if you're broke".

I was so frustrated with Charlotte as she sulked at the table while I was trying to do homework. She would pout her lips and occasionally sigh, basically demanding me to ask her what was wrong. Finally after five minutes of her behavior, I asked, "You seem upset. Everything all right?"

"Oh, yeah, I guess," Charlotte claimed as she tapped a pencil against the table, "I just can't believe Teddy is hanging out with Vanessa, again." 

I closed my book, everything just seemed too good to be true. Just as I was about to ask her in more detail what was wrong, Jacob's friend Ryan walked into the room. Ryan was the epitome of a SoCal Bro. When he isn't making an ass of himself at a party, he usually stands around with a beer in one hand, hoping something exciting comes along just so he can scream and demonstrate how much fun he is potentially going to have by ripping his tank top. He moved his Dodgers cap backwards and started scratching his untamable armpit hair. "Sup chicas?" Ryan grunted as he grabbed another beer from the fridge, "You guys down to shake a bowl with Jacob and me or what?" 

"We're a little busy," I smiled, trying to brush Ryan off. 

"You guys aren't busy," Jacob smirked as he also took a beer from the fridge, "You get homework everyday, you need a break. Unless you want to pay me $40, then I'll write your report." 

"Could you please chill?" Ryan pleaded, taking a swig of beer, "Just because it's 3:00 in the afternoon doesn't mean it's not a good time to shack." 

"I'm down," Charlotte rose from her chair, "You coming?" 

I shook my head, "Sorry, I would, but I've got shit to do."

"Lates," Ryan waved as the three of them went into Jacob's room. Just as I was about to start my homework again, Vanessa appeared in the kitchen, in her underwear. Seriously, did she not have time to put pants on? "Oh, hey," Vanessa chirped as she nabbed a water bottle, "What are you working on?" 

"Nothing of your interest," I explained, trying to hold my tongue, "What are you up to?" 

"Look, Teddy told me to come talk to you," She hissed, attempting to fix her eyeliner without a mirror, "We have to be friends, for Teddy's sake. I know we hate each other, but could you at least quite being yourself for two seconds and pretend to at least be nice? Wait, that sounded wrong, let's just quit the catty behavior and pretend to be friends, okay?" 

"Not okay," I mocked, imitating her high pitched, nasally voice, "We're not friends and we will never be friends. You think that just because you're dating Teddy again means-"

Vanessa cut me off before I could finish by slipping a $20 across the table, "Everyone has their price." 

As soon as she did that, Teddy walked into the room and sat at the table with us. "How are my two favorite girls doing?" 

Vanessa glared at me and I looked down at the $20. "Great!" I replied, "She was just telling me about her weekend." 

"Oh, cool," Teddy smiled, "So is Vanessa going to girls night?" 

Stupid, stupid Teddy. Why does he always do this to me? 

"Of course I am," Vanessa giggled, running her hand along Teddy's back. 

I knew this was going to be the girl's night from hell. 

she beast

"So how was hanging out with Teddy?" I asked Charlotte as we watched tv at my apartment. 

Charlotte began really experiencing life in college because back home, she rarely engaged in the usual illegal teen activities. I was the first person to take her to a party freshman year of college, which ended with her taking seven shots, dancing on a table, and throwing up on herself. Many guys have tried to date Charlotte but she is incredibly clueless into realizing that a guy likes her. Often, she finds out a week later and its too late to have a relationship. I usually would butt in on the Teddy and Charlotte situation since I am a nosey friend, but I vowed I wouldn't say a word or get involved. 

She shrugged, "He's a great guy and we had a really good conversation."

"So, what did you guys talk about?" I turned off the television and faced her. I had to ask, I couldn't help myself. 

"Relationship stuff, like his ex girlfriend, Vanessa. "Charlotte replied. 

"I can't believe him," I whispered, this was his chance to finally go somewhere with Charlotte and he brings up Vanessa. 

Always in a group of friends, there is that one friend that dates the girl that everyone hates. For us, it was Vanessa, the anti-Christ. Teddy and Vanessa dated for five months freshman year and continued to have an on and off relationship. She was controlling of Teddy's activities, like forcing him to sell his Daft Punk tickets that he bought four months in advance to go to her sorority formal. Once, I caught her going though his music, deleting 65 gigs of indie music and replacing it with top ten one hit wonder crap. She tried to transform Teddy into some SoCal "Bro", but it was no use, because Teddy's awkwardness and tight sweaters will always prevail. Even with an ugly personality, Vanessa gets by in life with good looks, often flirting with her TA's for extensions on essays and projects. Teddy and Vanessa's relationship ended when he found out Vanessa was cheating on him with Kenny, the president of Gluck's frat. Occasionally, she calls Teddy, trying to lure him back into her web, but he politely declines because he doesn't want his heart broken again.  

"How are you doing?" Charlotte asked, turning the tv on again.

"Well, Brian came over, and he told me he liked me," I took a deep breathe, "he kissed me." 

"WHAT!" Charlotte exclaimed, turning the tv back off, "Does Elizabeth know? This is huge!" 

"Yeah, she knows but please-" Before I could finish, Jacob walked in the room.

"You guys hungry?" Jacob strolled into the room with a bong in hand, "Ryan is over and we're going to blaze and-"

"Brian kissed her!" Charlotte exclaimed, quickly covering her mouth. "Sorry, it was too good of a secret, Jacob deserves to know, its all part of the 'One Tell Rule'."

"The 'One Tell Rule' does not apply to this situation," I remarked.

Jacob released smoke from his mouth, "The 'One Tell Rule' totally applies. Whenever a secret is good enough, you're allowed to tell one person."

"Jacob is right," Charlotte smiled, "It's like one of those unwritten laws. Everyone knows it,  everyone does it."

"That's ridiculous!" I snapped, "That rule is for second graders, not full grown adults like us. A secret is a secret, not one-"

"Brian kissed her," Jacob pointed at me as Paige walked in the room.

"What!" Paige shrieked, "Does-"

"Yeah, Elizabeth knows," Charlotte answered. 

"Thanks for answering my questions, douches," I hissed, "It meant nothing, I'm totally not going to do anything about it. It was meaningless, awkward, sixth grade spin the bottle-esque kiss."

"I better get going going," Charlotte began gathering her bags, "I'll see you guys tomorrow." 

As soon as Charlotte opened the door to leave, Teddy walked in with VANESSA. She looked like she was going to a Miss America pageant with the amount of hairspray and makeup on her face. It literally looked as if she had cut two eye holes in a pancake and glued it on her face. The room became dead silent as Vanessa strolled into the living room. Her smile began to grow as the awkwardness increased and she lowered her shirt, leaving nothing to the imagination. She had an identical resemblance to Jessica Alba and she knew it. Vanessa would make conceited remarks whenever she would see Jessica Alba, saying something along the lines of, "Hehe, look guys, I'm on the cover of People magazine!". Her laugh was like listening to nails on a chalkboard, loud, high pitched, and very unpleasant.   

"Hey, Vanessa, I haven't seen you in a while," I smiled.

Vanessa threw up the middle finger, "Eat it." 

She walked towards the kitchen and opened up the fridge, bending down so the entire room could see the top of her pink, lacy thong. "Teddy, why isn't there ice tea?" 

"Sorry," Teddy replied, "I forgot it in the car." 

"Whatever," Vanessa groaned, "I'm going to go freshen up, be right back."

"Teddy, What. The. Fuck." Jacob whispered, making sure Vanessa didn't hear him. "I thought that terribly extended chapter of your life was over."

"Vanessa is a great girl," Teddy argued, "We're just friends, okay? Isn't it possible for a boy and a girl who used to date to have just a platonic friendship? I just really miss hanging out with her. We have fun together." 

"How can you miss hanging out with THE DEVIL?" I fumed, "She's a bitch." 

"Just give her a second chance," Teddy hushed us as he walked towards his room where Vanessa was waiting, "We're just friends."

For some reason, I didn't believe him. 

 

four months

Four months.

17.3925 weeks.

121.7474 days.

2,921.9376 hours.

175,312.256 seconds.

I looked at my phone and I had already missed two calls, one from my house and the other one from my sister. I sat helplessly on the bed, slowly curling up into a ball. I heard a knock at the door and Elizabeth stood before me, draped in a blanket. The events of the other night didn't even matter because now, I could tell, we needed each other. "Four months," she sobbed, tightening the blanket around her. 

"Four months," I softy replied, scooting over to make room for Elizabeth on my bed. 

Elizabeth crawled in and just held me, but I was numb to the touch. My phone began to ring again and I couldn't even look at it because I didn't have enough energy. 

Four months ago, my older brother, Scott, passed away during a drunk driving accident in front of my house when he was home for winter break. My brother was parking the car in front of the house at 2:25 am. Then, at 2:28 am a drunk driver was speeding down my block, colliding with my brother's silver volkswagen. My mom looked out the window and saw the accident and called the paramedics as she ran outside, trying to pry open the shattered window of Scott's car. At 2:35 paramedics arrived at the scene. At 2:45, my brother, Scott, was pronounced dead while the drunk driver survived with only a broken leg. My mom couldn't look out the front window for weeks because each time she did, she could still visualize the cops pulling my brother's lifeless body out of the wreckage. My dad kept insisting he was fine, but tears stained his cheeks for weeks. He tried to concentrate more on his job, by spending more late nights at work, completely avoiding the house and its memories. My sister became angrier, unable to contain her usually bottled emotions. For a while, she rarely talked and I often found her sitting on Scott's bed in silence. 

Scott was one of the few people who lived life to the fullest and instantly became friends with everyone he came in contact with. He was passionate about music and was planning on touring Europe after college with only a guitar and the clothes on his back. I remember when he told me his plan one night in his room after dinner. I told him his plan seemed ridiculous, how would he be successful and where would he stay? He gave me his signature grin and replied, "Well, you don't know that till I try." 

For some reason, I knew he was going to make something of himself, no matter what he did. Music will always be his first love and it shined through whenever he transfered music onto my computer, bragging about each band. He would show me their websites and offer to take me to a show if I liked them. 

He was more than an older brother, but a best friend who reminded me to enjoy life. 

After the accident, I came home and locked myself in my room. Every time I walked the hallways, I felt as if I was retracing Scott's footsteps. Even though I knew he was gone, I still found myself checking his room, convinced I would see him sitting at his desk working on the next big hit.

Those painful "what ifs" fill my head every once in a while. 

What if I called him so the drunk driver would miss Scott as the driver turned the corner onto my street?

What if I told Scott he should leave earlier for college?

What if I was parking the car with him to warn him of the driver?

There's no point in "what ifs" because he's already gone and nothing would have stopped that driver. 

His friends couldn't even look at me for days because each time they did, they saw a part of him in me. At first I saw and felt that part of Scott people talked about, but as weeks went by, that part of him I so fondly remember, slowly faded away. 

I still remember

Scott's hugs and the feeling of my face pressed against his lanky body,

his reaction to certain comments,

the way he would bombard my door with knocks for Saturday morning cartoons,

how he wore dad's old baseball shirts,

the stupid matching outfits mom made us wear,

the smell of his after shave,

his hardy laugh when he thought something was really funny,

How he would call me a trickster whenever I would convince mom and dad to let me go to a party,

His mischievous smile whenever he was plotting something,

the way he told me to believe in myself when it felt as if no one else did. 

Growing up, Scott would pick up Elizabeth and me after school. He was two years older than me, but he still felt my age. He drove an old silver volkswagen that my uncle gave to him on his sixteenth birthday. I hated the leather seats in the car because my back always stuck to the seat. I remember when Scott finally raised enough money and bought a new stereo system, blasting underground electronic DJ remixes wherever he went. My mom often complain about it, but now, whenever she hears a passing car playing it, she still looks out the window, in hopes that Scott is coming home. 

I just hope he knew we loved him because people often don't hear how much they are appreciated. Whoever reads this, I just hope you know, there are people that really care about you. No matter how terrible your day can get, there will always be someone there wanting to make it brighter, Scott was one of those people. 

"I just miss him so much," I cried, "I feel so alone. I know this sounds crazy, but I keep thinking I see him. On the bus the other day, I saw some guy with a purple zip-up sweatshirt. I was running towards the back of the bus and then the guy turned around..."

Elizabeth hugged me tighter, "Everything is going to be alright. I miss him too. Smile, he's still watching over you."

"I just hope he knew how much we loved him. I just want to know he's safe. Where is he?" I pleaded, even though I knew Elizabeth had no idea.

"I don't know where he is," Elizabeth sighed, "But wherever he is, I know we're going to see him again."

I knew Elizabeth was right. For Scott and me, it would never be goodbye, but a see you later, whether in this life or the next.

love is a battlefield

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Jacob smiled as he tried to comfort me. "I know you and Elizabeth are best friends, but you really should talk to her. If girls share everything, why can't they share how they really feel?"

"Jacob, you don't get it," I replied, moving the hair out of my eyes. To be honest, I didn't even get it. I am way too scared to talk to Elizabeth on that kind of level because once you discuss one negative incident, it usually explodes into a much bigger issue. "Girls are much more complicated than that. It's not a big deal. I mean, he's just some guy."

"Okay, I'll drop it," he frowned.

Jacob is one of the few people I have just met and feel as though I can really trust. He is incredibly intelligent and is always reporting the news to me every morning. His knowledge about overseas affairs, the presidential campaign, and current events, outshines most people. However, individuals do not see the intellectual side of Jacob at first because they are usually distracted by the three bongs around his room. 

"Well, I'll see you back at the apartment," I said, "Have fun in class." 

Jacob waved goodbye and I trekked back to the apartment. As soon as I opened the door I heard Elizabeth shout, "Teddy, get the fuck out of the kitchen!" 

Then, I saw a frightened Teddy back away from a plate of cookies on the table. "I just wanted one, Liz. I mean, it's not like you guys are going to eat an entire plate of cookies..." 

"Just stop messing with everything," Elizabeth snapped, "You're so clumsy most of the time." 

"It's that time of the month isn't it, Liz?" Teddy sympathetically consoled as he grabbed a cookie, "Want to grab some ice cream and watch Pretty Woman?"

Elizabeth began to grind her teeth, "Yes it is. I'm just really stressed out. Happy?" 

Teddy grinned, grabbed another cookie, and went into his room. Elizabeth sat at the table and put her head down. I knew she wanted my help, and I had to aid her. Even if she can be a complete bitch, she's my best friend no matter what. "Hey Elizabeth, why don't you go get ready and I'll clean the living room?" 

Elizabeth's head perked up, "Thanks. You are such a good friend." 

I've been hearing that "You're such a good friend" thanks ever since I can remember. It all started when Elizabeth spilled her Halloween candy all over the street in second grade and I gave her half of mine because well, that's a best friend thing to do. I still don't know how to respond to the "You're such a good friend" comment because at first, I'm flattered but then a realize, I'm actually flatter than a doormat. 

I began to tidy up the living room when I heard a knock at the door. I opened it and Gluck was standing before me. Trendy sunglasses were perched on top of his head and he was obnoxiously chewing on a piece of gum. His blank expression turned into a slow smile as he gave me a head nod. 

"Hey, Gluck," I gulped. 

Butterflies were attacking my stomach and I continued to stand awkwardly at the door. We continued to stare at each other until my dear Elizabeth broke the silence with a screeching, "Hey baby". 

Elizabeth appeared in the doorway in a crotch length mini skirt and a top from Baby Gap. I could tell he was about to say something along the lines of "you look amazing" but she already knew that. I realized that her grand appearance was my exit so I gave a wave goodbye to Gluck and I said something along the lines of, "Hope you guys have fun."

I could hear them cuddling in the living room, munching on cookies and mouthing each other. I started doing my homework and blasting music, hoping the kissing noises would disappear. 

Soon, I heard a knock on the door. Elizabeth didn't answer it, so I assumed she was in her room letting Gluck's magic wand touch her wizard's sleeve. I opened the door and Brian was standing there. Brian, the guy who saw my anus shoot a lazar light show, Brian. He gave me a weak, "hi."

"Oh, hello," I choked, "I can get Elizabeth, if you want. Just wait her and I can go-"

Brian cut me off, "I didn't come to see her, I came to see you."

Great, he wanted to come in and rub in the fact that I fart, what an asshole. I crossed my arms across my chest, ready to pounce. 

"We should sit for this," He sighed, leading me to the living room couch. I sat down and faced him. He seemed really worried, I didn't understand what was going on. "Brian, what's up?" I asked, placing my hand in between us, attempting to comfort him. 

"See, I..." He started but then he didn't finish. 

I scooted closer, what was going on? 

Before I knew it, Brian leaned in for the kill. I didn't have time to dodge his lips or turn for him to kiss my cheek.  Was I supposed to enjoy this? My hands were glued to the couch, gripping it even tighter as he moved closer. This was the most uncomfortable moment of my life. I can't believe this kiss beat the time I fell during my 6th grade school choir picture in which I took the entire choir down with me. I was standing at the top of the choir bleachers when suddenly, I lost my balance. As I was falling, I pulled the girl next to me and she pulled the person in front of her. It was a huge chain reaction that ended with our picture just showing an empty set of bleachers and tiny black shoes sticking up from behind. Before I could say anything along the lines of "What the fuck was that all about you dick face" Elizabeth walked in. 

I quickly jumped off the couch, "Brian came over to tell me something." 

Elizabeth's eyes darted towards Brian, who then also jumped off the couch, in the opposite direction of me. "I just wanted to tell her something." he insisted.

Elizabeth didn't say one word and went back to her room. 

I turned towards Brian, "What the fuck is up with you?"

Brian looked away from me, "I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. I, I, well, I really like your company. I was so relieved when Elizabeth broke things off because then I realized who I really like." 

"You have terrible timing," I tried to laugh, but it seemed impossible, "Can we talk tomorrow, please?"

He nodded and said his goodbye, trying to go for another kiss. Luckily, with my sharp reflexes, I looked away before he leaned in. 

Elizabeth didn't talk to me for the rest of the night. I still don't know when I should talk to her or if she ever wants to talk to me ever again. 

the art of sucking dick

Tonight, was girls night at the apartment because Jacob and Teddy were invited to a competitive beer pong game held by Gluck's fraternity. 

Charlotte, Paige, Elizabeth, and I sat in our living room sipping hot chocolate mixed with a shot of peppermint schnapps. Paige had something to confess, I could tell by the way she nervously eyed all of us. Normally, Paige was incredibly bubbly, either dancing to inaudible music only heard in her head or stressing out over an unimportant event. Jacob and Teddy often played practical jokes on her because she is too gullible not to play a prank on. She is often the girl in class who doesn't understand the assignment and asks the teachers a million questions a minute. Or in class, she appears to be furiously taking notes, but in reality, she is doodling pictures of her cat, Mr. Whiskers. She stresses more about the things she needs to do, rather than actually doing them, and I could tell, it was one of those times. "So, I need to confess something," Paige hesitantly commented as she lowered her cup onto the table. 

Elizabeth's sip turned into a slow smile, "Spill."

"Well, um, I don't know how to put this," Paige gulped, "You know Andrew, the guy I'm kinda seeing?" 

Charlotte, Elizabeth, and I started scooting to the end of our chairs. Paige and Andrew were specifically friends with benefits. They both didn't want the title as "boyfriend and girlfriend" because neither one of them wanted to address that issue. But, I could tell Paige craved that idea. Every time she talked to Andrew she would become uneasy and clumsy. The last time Andrew tried to kiss her at a party, she hit her head on a kitchen cabinet. Andrew had much more experience than Paige, so she was incredibly frightened to go farther with him than making out. Whenever things would get too heated she would exclaim, "I have to pee!" or if he hinted at a little hand action she would politely decline, raising her left hand in the air and stating, "I'm on the wrong side, I can't do that now..." 

Paige took a deep breath, "Well, I saw him over break. I well, I gave him head and it was the worst experience of my life! I learned my lesson and I am never doing it again! I almost died, I nearly chocked on his trouser snake! I had to bust out my inhaler because I had an asthma attack."

By Paige's expressions and high defensiveness of her actions,  it appeared as if she had just been caught by the nuns at her Catholic high school smoking pot in her school bathroom. She couldn't even look us in the eyes because she was so upset. 

Elizabeth bursted out in laughter, "Honey, it get easier the more you do it. You just need to practice and pretty soon you will be the princess of seven inch pleasure in no time. Just let your mouth relax." 

Paige quickly replied, "Elizabeth, if you're such an expert at mastering the one-eyed monster with your mouth, please share with us." 

Elizabeth's eyes slowly narrowed, "Paige, the art of sucking dick is all about covering your teeth. I mean, you can't sharpen a pencil with sandpaper. It's a smooth, gradual bobbing motion to get a pencil to a perfect point." 

Elizabeth began to lecture the group on the importance and look of proper mouth action. Charlotte and I couldn't help but laugh as we watched Elizabeth's head bob up and down as she demonstrated on a banana sitting on the coffee table. The door opened, and Elizabeth turned around to see Teddy, Jacob, and Brian standing in the doorway. "Hey," Jacob giggled as he realized what was going on, "Do you want me to bring in a camera?" 

Elizabeth stood up and straightened her skirt, "Oh, no, Jacob," she grinned, "Pictures don't even capture my expertise of the sperm shuttle route."

"I understand," Jacob replied, "But the next stop will always be your mouth."

Elizabeth ignored Jacob's last comment and turned to Brian,  "Brian, could I talk to you for a minute, in my room?"

Brian nodded and she led him away to her room. It was almost like watching Hansel running towards the witch's candy house. For Brian, it appeared to be good news judging by Elizabeth's little demonstration to the girls, however, little did he know, he would never get to Elizabeth's candy. I looked over and saw Teddy gazing at Charlotte from the corner of his eye and I dragged him into the kitchen by the sleeve of his t-shirt. 

"Teddy," I confessed, "Your vagina is showing, woman. You can't hide behind comic books and indie music forever. Sorry to be so blunt with you, but you need to go talk to her. This has gone on for too long." 

Teddy shook his head, "What do I say? Be my Cyrano de Bergerac, help me out. I'm going to sound like an idiot." 

That's not true," I insisted, pushing him towards the door, "She thinks you're cute. Just be yourself, show those pearly whites, and you're in the clear." 

With a final shove, he was standing in the living room alone with Charlotte. Jacob knew what was going on when he saw Teddy trip into the living room, and Jacob whispered to Paige, "We should get going."

Paige, obviously confused, asked, "Why? It's not like anything is going to-"

Jacob pulled her into the kitchen before she could finish. Teddy uneasily approached Charlotte and said, "hi".

Unfortunately, I could barely hear the conversation because Paige, Jacob, and I were fighting over who could be next to the door. After a few seconds, we would push each other away from the door and fight who had the next turn. It appeared everything was going well, because whenever I would discreetly poke my head into the living room, she would either be touching his arm affectionately or they would be laughing. After we heard the front door shut, Jacob and I ran towards Teddy, jumping up and down like two kids begging for candy from their mother. "So how did it go?" I questioned, "Do you really like her? Does she like you? I should call her?"

Jacob cut me off before I could finish asking, "So?"

Teddy just gave us a goofy smile and walked towards the kitchen, however, before we could follow him, we saw Brian trudging to the front door. He didn't even say good-bye to us as he closed the door. Elizabeth popped out of her room and went to the kitchen to grab some ice cream. Teddy began dancing with Paige in the kitchen and it was obviously good news. "Is that a victory dance?" Jacob cheered as he joined in on the action. 

"Indeed it is," Teddy hinted as he twirled Paige around, "Wednesday afternoon I have a lunch date with Charlotte." 

"Great." Elizabeth mocked, "At least I'm not the only one in the house getting ass. Tomorrow Gluck is going to come over for some dinner, so I suggest you guys vacate the house or hide in your rooms from 8- 9:30."

I began to grind my teeth in anger. Tomorrow, Gluck will get another showing of Elizabeth's skills, this time, not on a banana in our living room.  

home is where the heart is

I left for home on Saturday with Elizabeth and being here, feels like a trip down memory lane. Whenever you come back to your parent's house, everything is exactly the same. You still clash with your parents opinions, you have nothing good to eat in the house, and you never get the car. Your room is still perfectly in tact and you still have those embarrassing shirts from high school hanging in the closet. The city, in all its glory, will never change and memories will stick to the street corners as long as there are stars in the sky. As much as you want to move away and start a fresh slate, the city will stay with you. 

Bumping into people from high school whenever your home is always incredibly uncomfortable because you either have no idea who the person is or you know too much about the person due to "high school drama". I was in line at the grocery store picking up my parents a few things when I bumped into Ethan, a guy from my high school. He was working at the grocery store as a bag boy and looked exactly the same, except it appeared he had copied his hair style from a surfing Ken doll. I was trying to cover my face and hoping he didn't notice me because he is one of Elizabeth's ex boyfriends. Whenever he talks to me, I can tell he has no idea what to say. This is because he knows that since Elizabeth and I are best friends, I know everything about him. Seriously, girls who are best friends share everything about a guy, whether he likes it on not. Even down to the nitty gritty details, like the length of his vagina viper or how he spurted his man juice all over his pants when Elizabeth took off her top.

 

I tried to move my things out of the line, but it was too late. We made eye contact and he automatically recognized me. We just looked at each other for a few minutes, neither one of us wanted to say one word. Finally as my things were being scanned by the cashier,Ethan gave me a quick head nod and a "hey".

I had to act surprised and that I didn't see him, "Hey! How are you, Ethan?"

"Great," He replied, "Just working over spring break. I'm trying to raise money for my trip to Mexico this summer. I'm going to volunteer with orphans and help build them a library. How about you?"

I tried to cover up my annoyed expression with a smile. Ethan was Elizabeth's longest relationship, one year, and they broke up during the summer going into college. He was literally a knight in shining armor and had an uncanny resemblance to Prince Charming in Sleeping Beauty. He tutored me in math my freshman year and my parents still bring him up in conversation as a "lovely young man" who I should "really get to know". I know my mom must have a crush on him because whenever she mentions him, her eyes roll back in an orgasmic fashion. He's the perfect Jewish husband, son of the head rabbi, a man that my parents love, and will most likely have a day dedicated to him due to his achievements. He's the Princess Diana of my generation due to his passion for giving and helping the less fortunate, like me and my math skills. He was class valedictorian, class president, and captain of the baseball team. He was the number two draft and could have played for any major league team, but he chose to go to college. 

"Oh, just back for spring break. Where do you go to college again?" I asked, pretending to be interested in his life. 

"Harvard," He nonchalantly answered as he handed me my bag,"I love it there, how's Elizabeth?" 

He looked deep into my eyes as he asked me, searching for an answer. I could tell that he was still hopelessly in love with her, like most boys, but he was always different. Even though he embodied perfection, he could never have the girl he really wanted because he could never tame her imperfections. Elizabeth will never settle down because she feels she needs to experience everything before she sets her sights on anything. She has a constant fear that she's missing out on something, that's why she always dashes from a relationship. I know Ethan would drop anything for Elizabeth in a heartbeat and she will always be his "what if" girl. Everyone has a "what if" person, you know, the person you constantly believe you could have still been with if you had done something different.   

"She's doing great," I explained, "She's on our school's dance team and still hasn't decided her major. We're living together in an apartment with a couple of our friends, you should come down one weekend to visit, if you're home."

I could tell that wasn't the response he wanted, but he gave me a smile anyways. He wanted me to say she still thinks about him or who she is currently dating. But, I could never tell him that because it would just tare him apart. 

"Better get back to work," He stammered, I could tell he was thinking about Elizabeth. "See you soon, hopefully?" 

"Sounds great, Ethan," I responded. 

The entire car ride home all I could think about was his disappointed expression when we talked about Elizabeth.    

Later that night, Elizabeth and I met up early because we went going out to dinner with our best friends from childhood. "I bumped into Ethan today," I blurted out, "Have you called him lately?"

Elizabeth nodded, "Of course I talk to him. We text each other all the time or leave comments on facebook. We occasionally call each other if we're both home, I haven't seen him this break. I mean, he called me but I forgot to call him back. Why do you ask?"

"He was working at the grocery store as a bag boy, trying to raise money for his trip to Mexico to save the world. You really should call him back, he asked about you."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes, "Yeah, he's great guy and I hope he finds someone who truly appreciates him." 

"How can he find someone who appreciates him if he can't let go of you?" I was infuriated. I hate when Elizabeth acts like another dumb teenager. She's a smart girl, but she's been stringing dear Ethan along for too long. 

Elizabeth turned away from me, trying to hide her emotions, "He was my first love, okay? How do you know I'm not hurting?"

"Because since Ethan, you've had like 12 boyfriends!" I nagged, "I just want you to stop dragging him along for the ride. I know you like his attention, but he needs some attention too."

"We should get going," Elizabeth completely changed the topic, "I can't wait to see everyone. I miss them so much."    

Every year since eighth grade, whenever there is a vacation from school, we have gone out to dinner with this group and caught up on each others lives. The eight of us have been the same since we were thirteen years old, and our friendship has never been better. I am so lucky  to have such beautiful people in my life. There's something between us that just clicks and makes everything more understandable. That's how I know there must be a high power, because friends like these don't happen by chance, they are too wonderful. I will never forget the pranks, first times, or laughter. In life everyone tells you to grow up, but good friends keep you young and help you remember the silver lining to situations. 

On sunday, I go back to school and I'm already dreading it.  

 

friends and food are a lovely combination

"You're an idiot," was the only phrase I could say to Teddy as I was setting the table for Mexican Food Final night. 

"I'm really sorry," Teddy apologized as he placed chips and salsa on the table, "I thought you liked him and were too shy to invite him over. I mean, don't you kind of like him? You did go to coffee with him..."

"That's not the point!" I snapped, "I just wanted him to leave me alone. Just because he has the body of a Greek warrior and the comic genius of Stan Lee doesn't mean I'm into that kind of thing! He's just a nice guy-"

"With a big ol' piss pump," Elizabeth interrupted, "You liked it, whore." 

"WHAT!" I cried, "I did not 'like it'. I was sexually assaulted, Elizabeth! I could sue him for scarring my fragile, barely adult brain." 

"Oh no, you liked it," Elizabeth grinned, "because whenever anyone talks about him your stomach turns into knots and you can't stop thinking about his little clit tickler having a little fun with your elmo."

"Come on guys, this isn't dinner talk," Jacob, our other house mate, moaned, "Please, ladies, please. The words 'clit tickler' should never be used in everyday conversation."

"Well, you guys say some really stupid things about boobs," Paige, another one of our house mates, replied. 

"Very true," I agreed, "They've been called floating fun bags, love pillows..."

"Don't forget Jugs for joy, ivory peaks, snack trays, and snuggle puppies," Elizabeth giggled. 

"What about love rockets, cum targets, and chest nuts?" Paige added. 

"Okay, I get it," Jacob said, shaking his head in defeat, "say what you want, but I hope you guys remember that this is sexual assault. I could sue you for scarring my fragile, barely adult brain."

"You are such an asshole!" I laughed. 

"By the way guys, I think I'm going to break up with Brian," Elizabeth slyly announced, "He's a really great guy, but it's just not working out. It's been over two months and we've spent a little too much time together. I really like him, but not as much as before." 

"Really?" Jacob questioned. He had introduced Elizabeth to almost all the guys she had dated in college and was hoping that eventually she would move on and date other people outside his friendship circle. 

"I'm not sure yet," Elizabeth admitted, "but it's a possibility." 

The doorbell rang and Teddy jumped at the chance to answer it. He opened the door and Charlotte and a few of our other friends were at the doorstep. 

Ever since freshman year, when I introduced Teddy to Charlotte, he has had a massive crush on her. I always try and convince him to talk to her, but he complains that his palms get too sweaty and that everything he says sounds silly. Once he did have a real conversation with her about a class they might take together and he threw up in the bathroom afterwards due to his nerves. Even though Charlotte and I are best friends, I promised Teddy I wouldn't say one word.  

Teddy stood in the doorway, forming a nervous grin. His voice became high and prepubescent as he greeted the guests. He shot me nervous looks as he watch Charlotte walk towards me. I had to do something, I couldn't stand watching Teddy watch Charlotte for yet another year. "Hey Charlotte," I asked, trying to form the least obvious sentence so she would continue to be clueless. "Do you think Teddy's attractive?" Shit, shit, shit. Was that too obvious?

Charlotte shot me a puzzled look. "He's a cute guy and fun to talk to. But I always get the feeling he hates me because he always ignores me. What a jerk, right?"

"Nah, you need to get to know him," I smiled and handed Charlotte a drink. "I know you're friends with everyone else in my house, but I've never seen you guys hangout." Slam dunk! Saved it!  

Finally the party was becoming quite fun, but below and behold Gluck walked into our apartment. The room fell into complete silence as my friends watched in amazement as I greeted Gluck. I began introducing him to my friends and house mates and it appeared that he was having a good time. He was bonding with Jacob, Teddy, and Brian over their brackets for the basketball game. Also, Gluck was smiling and laughing with Paige, Charlotte, and Elizabeth. Gluck's humor added to my wit and with our combined powers we formed a ridiculously, great conversation. All seemed well, until Elizabeth approached me.

"Gluck is such a fox," Elizabeth commented as I was talking with Jacob. "Are you sure you don't want a piece of that frat guy goodness?"

"I'm sure," I hesitated, "Go get him, tiger." 

"Not a problem," She smiled and seductively walked towards Gluck. She still hadn't broken up with Brian, yet she was already claiming territory on her next victim. 

"Why did you just do that?" Jacob frowned, "I thought you liked that guy and I could tell he was feeling you. He's a great guy and I have no idea why you would just hand him over to Elizabeth. Plus, since I am free of the Elizabeth curse of friend dating, I think she passed it onto you." 

I watched in horror as Elizabeth guided Gluck on a tour of her bedroom and most likely later on, a taste of her sausage wallet.  

always the friend, never the girlfriend.

At 8:00 this morning was my World War II final. I kept finding myself closing my eyes for  a few seconds while I was responding to the essay question. For the entire test my stomach continued to grumble and I prayed that the students sitting near me heard nothing. After the incident of my butt exploding in front of Brian yesterday, I could feel that my stomach wanted her two minutes of fame, even if it took its toll on my reputation. I continuously shifted in my seat, hoping to distract the people next to me from paying attention to my unruly stomach. After two hours of brain power, I handed in my test. As I was walking out the door, I turned around and saw Gluck close behind me.

 

"Do you still wanna get coffee?" He asked. 

I nodded and he gave me a little grin. I could barely recognize him when he walked towards me. It appeared that Gluck was embracing the stress of finals week as well as mustache march and was allowing his facial hair to take it's natural course. In a matter of months, he will most likely look like the Brawny man. 

As we walked to the campus coffee shop, all we could talk about was the test. Whenever you can only talk about school or a class you have in common with someone, that's how you know you feel uncomfortable with them. I had to change the topic of the conversation, discussing school for more than five minutes is the kiss of death. He opened the door to the coffee shop and we both ordered our drinks. As we sat down at a table I blurted out, "So, Gluck, how's the frat?" I leaned back in my chair, expecting an elaborate answer.   

"Oh, it's good," Gluck grinned, "I mean, I had to be in it..."

I gave him a puzzled look. What did he mean by that?

"My brother was in the frat," Gluck answered, "He was sort of a legend because he was president. Since it was hazing week, the guys made me flash my womb raider to the crowd. The guys picked you out for the free show because they said you were really chill and wouldn't take an incident like that seriously. They talk really highly of you." 

How nice, frat guys talk highly of me. So I guess this means they are not calling me a whore behind my back? Oh joy.

 This always happens to me, guys consistently forget the fact that I'm a woman with womanly needs and issues. I think beers gross, I like wearing makeup, and I have shoulder boulders on my chest. I wear pants in which it's impossible to fit a skin flute inside, yet I'm classified as "one of the guys" because they feel that I'm "cool" without trying... even though I try really hard.  

"But, they never told me how cute you were," Gluck slyly added, taking a sip of coffee. 

CUTE? Cute is a puppy in a red wagon, a Lisa Frank folder, or your 3 year old niece with a lisp. I'm so happy he's comparing my womanliness to a Lisa Frank unicorn. 

For the first time on our coffee "date" I was completely speechless. Was I supposed to call him cute back? Did he want me to tell him he's "sexy" or something a little more manly? Or should I pluck a line from a Spice Girls song, stand on a table and declare to the entire coffee shop, " If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends, make it last forever, friendship never ends. If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give, taking is too easy but that's the way it is."

Unfortunately, I did neither of those two ideas. As soon as I saw Teddy, my other house mate, enter the coffee shop, I nearly toppled  over the table jumping towards him. "Teddy!" I exclaimed, pushing my chair aside, "What are you doing here?" 

Teddy weakly smiled at me and waved. "Just doing a little study session," he replied, "I'm meeting up a few people from my section to go over astronomy." 

"Well, you should come sit with Gluck and I for a bit," I insisted, "You're a little early arn't you? Don't you want to take a load off those Asian bride feet and make a new friend in the process?

Teddy shrugged his shoulders, "I gue-"

"Great!" I interrupted as I snatched a chair from a nearby table. 

I could see the disappointment on Gluck's face as I brought Teddy over to the table. Teddy sat down and nervously sipped on his latte. Teddy's hands were sweating uncontrollably due to the agonizing silence at the table. I could feel the chat chunks bubbling inside of me, wanting to fix the tension. "Happy first day of spring!" I announced, throwing my hands into the air. My expressions were so overdone that to the passerby, it might have looked like I was congratulating them on their first born. 

"Yeah I really enjoy Spring," Teddy added, "It's the perfect time to go birdwatching." 

I discretely slapped my forehead with my hand. I hope Gluck doesn't...

"Bird watching?" Gluck questioned

...ask.

Teddy placed his cup on the table. "Birdwatching is the very best kind of fun. Its easy, inexpensive, healthful, and satisfying. I just bought the Vortex binoculars which make good optics and have an amazing warranty. Just the other day I saw..." He paused as he noticed his study group pushing together tables for their finals review. 

"Well, I better get going," Teddy said, "See you back at the house and nice meeting you. Oh, you should come by tomorrow for our Mexican food night, if you're free." Teddy nudged me as he left, thinking that I was too shy to invite Gluck over to our apartment.  

Stupid Teddy. Stupid, stupid Teddy. If I wanted a guy to invade the apartment, I would take my clothes off. This was a disaster. I couldn't even hold a conversation with Gluck for ten minutes and now he's most likely going to show up to our sacred friday Mexican food/ end of finals celebration!

I hope Gluck drinks too much at his frat party and doesn't remember. 

   

if someone farts in a forest... does it make a sound?

I just got back from my luxurious dining hall with Charlotte. They had super yummy noodle soup with grease floating on the top. Seriously, I can't believe shit like that is considered "ok" at our dining hall. If anyone receives something like that at a restaurant, they would for sure send it back. 

My least favorite person was working today, my campus's very own tyrant, Dean the Dining Hall Dictator. One day, some fabulous surgeon in LA will discover what's up his ass. It's probably a pony or a cure for cancer. 

I studied Dean as he swiped people's cards through the register to eat. With each person he swiped, he would study their card, making sure they were the exact same person in the picture. Then, he would exchange a few words with them about today's cafeteria delicacy. Finally, it was my turn to be swiped in. I couldn't even make eye contact with him because all I could do was stare at his stupid gold earring. He must of swindled a gypsy for that gold loop or bought it for fifty cents at a Disneyland junk sale. He glared at me and I gave him a cheesy grin. His eyes narrowed to little slits because he knew I was mocking his behavior. As he handed me my card and briefly reiterated today's menu, I thought I saw his mustache curl a little more on the sides. Today must be hunting day. 

In the cafeteria, hunting day meant that our good friend Dean was on the prowl. He would periodically scan the perimeters, moving in sharp, robotic movements. Dean treated his prized cafeteria like airport security, whenever a kid would leave the dining hall, he would randomly stop them and search their bags and pockets, making sure no nourishment escaped his sight. When he does catch a kid however, a polaroid is taken of them and placed on a bulletin board near the tray deposit area with the caption "Dining Delinquents". If Dean is working, he will automatically search these students, no questions asked. 

     

After a meal of onion rings and tacquitos, I walked over to the dessert bar and Charlotte followed. I picked out the five best cookies and gave a little smile to Charlotte. 

"Don't do it," she whispered, "the dining hall dictator is going to get you. Right before we got here, he hunted down a kid who took two pieces of fruit out of the dining hall."

   

"I won't get caught," I replied.

 

But let's just say, next time, I promise I will listen to Charlotte. 

I snatched the cookies and hid them in the depth of my vest pocket. I casually walked past Dean and opened the door to freedom, but then I heard a quick, "Did she just..."

I turned and made eye contact with Dean. His mustache was fiercely curling as he started to bolt towards the door. Normal people would probably cry or turn themselves in, but not me... I ran for my dear life. "I'll call you later," I yelled to Charlotte as I began to dash to the bus. I could hear Dean's huge feet banging against the cement. He was a foot taller than me, so he could definitely cover more ground. But by some miracle someone exclaimed "GET IN!" 

I turned around and I saw Brian waving at me from a passing car. I jumped into the passenger seat and slammed the door behind me. He quickly drove off and in the rear view mirror I could see Dean's mustache slowly deflating in an epic defeat.

"Thank you," I sighed, completely out of breath, "You really saved my ass back there."

"No problem," Brian laughed, "whenever you need a getaway car for stealing baked goods, I'll be there.    

I smiled and leaned back in the passenger seat. 

When we got back to the apartment, I really wish I had been caught by Dean. 

Elizabeth wasn't home yet, so Brian and I began talking and eating cereal together. Then, he told a joke about my love for Tila Tequila and we continued to play off the joke. Eventually, we were both in a fit of laughter and then, the worst thing possible happened... I farted. Not the silent and deadly fart, the kind of fart you do when your alone in your bed at midnight and you had a little too much Mexican food. It was as if a firework had launched out of my ass for the entire kitchen to see. Our laughter fit completely disappeared and Brian just stared at me. He was looking at me as if I had just murdered a lamb with my bare hands and was trying to convince him to take a bite. The sound of the fart echoed in the kitchen, I can still hear the burst of a breeze trumpeting out of my butthole . I had to say something because the silence was deafening. 

"Toast," I exclaimed, "Yeah, toast."

Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. I just chatted chunks. It's really a problem, whenever I don't know what to say, words or in this case a word, expels from my mouth. Sometimes it fits with the conversation, most of the time however, it makes no fucking sense. 

"Toast?" Brian questioned.

"I really like toast," I jumped up from my seat, "and I like bread. I make bread? I mean, I'm going to go make some toast, yeah toast."   

"Hey baby," Elizabeth barged through the front door, "Sorry I'm late, I..."

I cut Elizabeth off before she could finish, "Bye," I replied. 

I sprinted into my room and locked the door. With my luck, when I hangout with Gluck tomorrow, maybe I'll shit my pants and they will turn into golden eggs in front of him.  

 

Oh the beauty of finals week.

I just got back from yet another finals review and Gluck sat next to me. I was completely mortified. Each time I casually looked next to me, I kept picturing him naked. 

Geez, I have no idea how superman could handle x-ray abilities. 

Anyways, as I was walking to the bus stop after the review, I heard someone yelp, "wait up!" 

I think you already know who it was. 

"I just wanted to apologize for my behavior on saturday," Gluck smiled as he averted eye contact before I could answer. 

"It's ok," I lied. It really isn't ok, but I didn't want to cause a scene. 

We started to walk in silence to the bus stop when I noticed something fall out of the notebook in his hands. He darted to pick it up, but I beat him to the punch. As I unfolded the piece of paper, it was a series of doodles he had done in class. I'm no art critic, but I have to say they were incredibly well done. I looked at him in aw as I studied each drawing from the class. One of them was an elaborate picture of our teacher. The drawing looked exactly like her, same c shaped curls, crude smile, and wire, santa glasses. "You've got talent," I said as I handed back the pictures. 

"Do you want to see more?" he asked, loosening the grip on his notebook.

I nodded and it was almost as if he had handed me a ticket into his mind. The pictures were incredibly enchanting and it was a side of him I never expected to see. His use of depth with only a ball point pen was amazing. The more I looked at the pictures, the more I really wanted to get to know him. Then, his thrill dill would cross my mind and I would become infuriated. "Could I make it up to you? Want to go out for coffee on thursday after our test?" 

My mind was screaming no, but somehow a "yes" popped out of my mouth. 

When I got back to the apartment, Elizabeth and her boyfriend, Brian, were making hot chocolate. 

"You look a little too happy after a class you thought you were going to fail..." Elizabeth smirked as she hugged Brian a little tighter. 

My good mood slowly deflated. I do love Elizabeth as a person, but when it comes to guys, she's a man eater. Ever since the 4th grade when Chuck Davis asked her out at YMCA camp, she has never been without a boyfriend. I think Brian is number 78 and the sad part is, he has no idea. Each month Elizabeth brings a new guy home who she claims she's "crazy about" or is "in real love". It's a bunch of bullshit... this coming from the girl whose last real boyfriend was her freshman year of high school. 

"Well," I stuttered as she began to kiss Brian's neck, "I have a coffee date." 

"WITH WHO?" she yelped as she instantly released Brian and jumped to my side, "who is this guy? do you really like him? is he a cool person? is he super hot?" 

"Well," I replied, "With Gluck." 

Elizabeth slowly backed away. "Gluck...the guy who?"

"Yes," I said before she could finish, "He's a nice guy, we'll see how it goes." 

"I wish you luck," She said, going back to Brian, "But you know as the saying goes, once a frat guy, always a frat guy."

I really hope to prove her wrong.   

Is there ANY good in a fraternity guy?

A dear friend, Charlotte, tricked me into going to a fraternity party on saturday. There I was, happily sipping on a classic red party cup when some drunk guy, not wearing pants, slyly approaches me. His curly hair is in a matted, sweaty mess, even if he attempts to smooth it over with his nimble fingers. I can see him out of the corner of my eye as he mimics humping motions to me. I almost escape his drunken clutches but they are no match for a simple, "hey, check this out!" As soon as I turn around, he flashes his pussy pleaser to the entire crowd and gives me a subtle wink. For some reason, the fraternity boys found this incident incredibly amusing as they chanted his last name, Gluck, over and over again. The girls pretended to be amused, flashing Gluck flirty eyes and a couple "You're so silly." 

Honestly, can you imagine if I did that at a party? I mean, if I just stood on a table and flashed my velvet lined love tunnel, the room would become completely quiet. Maybe even a few eggs would be thrown at me.     

Well, after our first encounter, Gluck stumbled towards me and I couldn't help but smile at his attempts to form sentences. Luckily, Charlotte snatched me away from the train wreck of a conversation with Gluck. 

I started dancing with Charlotte and a couple of other girls in the living room. Soon, my worst fears were taking place. One by one, the girls were partnered up with the boys, leaving me singled out and alone. Suddenly, I could feel someone up against me, as soon as I turned around, I was face to face with Gluck yet again. I didn't know whether to be flattered or mortified as I attempted to smile at his nervous hands trying to touch my waist. 

When it was time to go, Gluck and I continued to make eye contact. I still have no idea why I didn't blow him off, but there was something so familiar about him. 

On monday, I finally realized what it was, he's in my World War II Lecture. 

The Beginning of the End: A Fifth Grade Love Story

Ever since the 5th grade, i've just been unlucky at this sort of thing called "love" and "crushes". 

I was at my best friend's house and we were getting ready for the school dance. I had my new Limited Too sparkle butterfly top with awkward length flares. My friend and I were putting on silver eyeshadow I had secretly grabbed from my older sister's makeup box. Everything for this dance seemed set, I mean, my first real crush was going to be there. You know, that boy who literally could freeze time when he smiled and if he said hi to you, all you could think about was for that one second in the entire day you had crossed his mind. To prepare us for our first dance, my dad kneeled down beside us and gave our little 5th grade minds a piece of advice, "If a boy give you tequila, he wants to touch your tits."

Little did I know, in college, it was true. 

Well, back at the dance, I finally approached this guy I really liked. Even though in total I had only exchanged a few words with him, those words felt like pure magic.  I felt like Rachel Leigh Cook in She's All That due to my "glamourous" new look. Finally I squealed, "Hey want to dance?" 

That little Backstreet Boy replied, "No thanks," with a quick shake of his hand as the class slut approached him seductively in a barely there sequence dress. She didn't even have to ask him to dance, his face literally screamed "I WANT TO LAUNCH MY MOISTURE MISSLE IN YOUR TEMPLE OF POON!" He just couldn't keep his grabby hands off her the entire night and I just had to watch from across the room.

Karma did come back to bite the little girl in the ass however when she sucked off the entire baseball team during freshman year of high school. Lets just say, she acquired the nickname cheese grader due to her promiscuous behavior.