Monday, March 17, 2008

The Beginning of the End: A Fifth Grade Love Story

Ever since the 5th grade, i've just been unlucky at this sort of thing called "love" and "crushes". 

I was at my best friend's house and we were getting ready for the school dance. I had my new Limited Too sparkle butterfly top with awkward length flares. My friend and I were putting on silver eyeshadow I had secretly grabbed from my older sister's makeup box. Everything for this dance seemed set, I mean, my first real crush was going to be there. You know, that boy who literally could freeze time when he smiled and if he said hi to you, all you could think about was for that one second in the entire day you had crossed his mind. To prepare us for our first dance, my dad kneeled down beside us and gave our little 5th grade minds a piece of advice, "If a boy give you tequila, he wants to touch your tits."

Little did I know, in college, it was true. 

Well, back at the dance, I finally approached this guy I really liked. Even though in total I had only exchanged a few words with him, those words felt like pure magic.  I felt like Rachel Leigh Cook in She's All That due to my "glamourous" new look. Finally I squealed, "Hey want to dance?" 

That little Backstreet Boy replied, "No thanks," with a quick shake of his hand as the class slut approached him seductively in a barely there sequence dress. She didn't even have to ask him to dance, his face literally screamed "I WANT TO LAUNCH MY MOISTURE MISSLE IN YOUR TEMPLE OF POON!" He just couldn't keep his grabby hands off her the entire night and I just had to watch from across the room.

Karma did come back to bite the little girl in the ass however when she sucked off the entire baseball team during freshman year of high school. Lets just say, she acquired the nickname cheese grader due to her promiscuous behavior.   


No comments: