"I'm really sorry," Teddy apologized as he placed chips and salsa on the table, "I thought you liked him and were too shy to invite him over. I mean, don't you kind of like him? You did go to coffee with him..."
"That's not the point!" I snapped, "I just wanted him to leave me alone. Just because he has the body of a Greek warrior and the comic genius of Stan Lee doesn't mean I'm into that kind of thing! He's just a nice guy-"
"With a big ol' piss pump," Elizabeth interrupted, "You liked it, whore."
"WHAT!" I cried, "I did not 'like it'. I was sexually assaulted, Elizabeth! I could sue him for scarring my fragile, barely adult brain."
"Oh no, you liked it," Elizabeth grinned, "because whenever anyone talks about him your stomach turns into knots and you can't stop thinking about his little clit tickler having a little fun with your elmo."
"Come on guys, this isn't dinner talk," Jacob, our other house mate, moaned, "Please, ladies, please. The words 'clit tickler' should never be used in everyday conversation."
"Well, you guys say some really stupid things about boobs," Paige, another one of our house mates, replied.
"Very true," I agreed, "They've been called floating fun bags, love pillows..."
"Don't forget Jugs for joy, ivory peaks, snack trays, and snuggle puppies," Elizabeth giggled.
"What about love rockets, cum targets, and chest nuts?" Paige added.
"Okay, I get it," Jacob said, shaking his head in defeat, "say what you want, but I hope you guys remember that this is sexual assault. I could sue you for scarring my fragile, barely adult brain."
"You are such an asshole!" I laughed.
"By the way guys, I think I'm going to break up with Brian," Elizabeth slyly announced, "He's a really great guy, but it's just not working out. It's been over two months and we've spent a little too much time together. I really like him, but not as much as before."
"Really?" Jacob questioned. He had introduced Elizabeth to almost all the guys she had dated in college and was hoping that eventually she would move on and date other people outside his friendship circle.
"I'm not sure yet," Elizabeth admitted, "but it's a possibility."
The doorbell rang and Teddy jumped at the chance to answer it. He opened the door and Charlotte and a few of our other friends were at the doorstep.
Ever since freshman year, when I introduced Teddy to Charlotte, he has had a massive crush on her. I always try and convince him to talk to her, but he complains that his palms get too sweaty and that everything he says sounds silly. Once he did have a real conversation with her about a class they might take together and he threw up in the bathroom afterwards due to his nerves. Even though Charlotte and I are best friends, I promised Teddy I wouldn't say one word.
Teddy stood in the doorway, forming a nervous grin. His voice became high and prepubescent as he greeted the guests. He shot me nervous looks as he watch Charlotte walk towards me. I had to do something, I couldn't stand watching Teddy watch Charlotte for yet another year. "Hey Charlotte," I asked, trying to form the least obvious sentence so she would continue to be clueless. "Do you think Teddy's attractive?" Shit, shit, shit. Was that too obvious?
Charlotte shot me a puzzled look. "He's a cute guy and fun to talk to. But I always get the feeling he hates me because he always ignores me. What a jerk, right?"
"Nah, you need to get to know him," I smiled and handed Charlotte a drink. "I know you're friends with everyone else in my house, but I've never seen you guys hangout." Slam dunk! Saved it!
Finally the party was becoming quite fun, but below and behold Gluck walked into our apartment. The room fell into complete silence as my friends watched in amazement as I greeted Gluck. I began introducing him to my friends and house mates and it appeared that he was having a good time. He was bonding with Jacob, Teddy, and Brian over their brackets for the basketball game. Also, Gluck was smiling and laughing with Paige, Charlotte, and Elizabeth. Gluck's humor added to my wit and with our combined powers we formed a ridiculously, great conversation. All seemed well, until Elizabeth approached me.
"Gluck is such a fox," Elizabeth commented as I was talking with Jacob. "Are you sure you don't want a piece of that frat guy goodness?"
"I'm sure," I hesitated, "Go get him, tiger."
"Not a problem," She smiled and seductively walked towards Gluck. She still hadn't broken up with Brian, yet she was already claiming territory on her next victim.
"Why did you just do that?" Jacob frowned, "I thought you liked that guy and I could tell he was feeling you. He's a great guy and I have no idea why you would just hand him over to Elizabeth. Plus, since I am free of the Elizabeth curse of friend dating, I think she passed it onto you."
I watched in horror as Elizabeth guided Gluck on a tour of her bedroom and most likely later on, a taste of her sausage wallet.
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